This And That — June 16, 2010

Note: This marks the first installment of “This And That,” a periodic blog post addressing multiple current events. (Of course, given my resistance to obligation, it could also be the last installment. Then again, given the abundance of absurd current events, it could be the first of hundreds.) 

BP Executives - Maximizing Shareholder Value 

On Wednesday, June 16, 2010, the BP Executives appeared in the Oval Office for a tongue lashing from a President anxious to show voting Americans just how truly in touch he is with their anger over the Gulf oil spill. During the meeting, the BP Executives agreed to create a $20 Billion dollar fund to compensate victims of the spill. I would have too. That’s probably less than a quarter of the true cost. Nice work, Barack. You really put the screws to these guys. 

Let’s face it, this agreement wasn’t the result of an Obama lashing. It was just good business on the part of the executives. It’s like the ballparks selling a .75 cent beer for $9.50. They can’t go wrong. Those executives were probably drinking Mojitos and dancing on their private jet all the way back across the pond. 

This Just In: Moments after the agreement was announced, tobacco executives, the Chairman of Goldman Sachs and Angelo Mozilo immediately demanded their own Oval Office tongue lashings. 

It’s “Running Of The Bulls,” not “Running Of The Matadors”

This in from Mexico. Christian Hernandez, a 22 year old matador, ran away from a bull during a recent fight and jumped over the fence to safety. He then returned to the ring to announce his immediate retirement, publicly removing his fake ponytail in an effort to “leave with dignity.” 

Tweet to Mr. Hernandez—I’d say you’re about 5 minutes late on the whole leaving with dignity thing. 

I’m now spending every waking moment trying to get Ernest Hemingway a hall pass from the afterlife, because I sincerely don’t know if I can drink another gin martini without finding out what Papa would have said about this one. 

Death By Firing Squad - A Kinder, Gentler Death? 

Barring pending legal motions, Ronnie Lee Gardner will be executed in Utah by firing squad on Friday, June 18, 2010. Mr. Gardner requested the firing squad, and experts are defending the method as a humane execution. 

I know I wasn’t a model student in school. I preferred getting my education in more practical ways—like skipping class for road trips to Mexico and Las Vegas or hitchhiking through Europe. But, as a professional writer, I have gained a certain, if limited, command of the English language over the past several years. From what I’ve seen so far, I can’t find any plausible reference in our language that comes close to combining the words “humane” and “execution,” let alone relating them to each other in the same sentence.  

There wasn’t anything humane about the murders Mr. Gardner committed and there’s nothing humane about state sponsored murder—whether by firing squad, lethal injection or allowing partially hydrogenated oil into our food supply. 

I realize that beyond the simplicity of vigilant justice the death penalty can also be considered a practical option. It's expensive to house a prisoner for life with no possibility of parole. But I don't think we understand the full cost to society of committing state sponsored murder...even for people who fully and irrefutably deserve it. 

I believe we're better off paying in the currency of dollars and cents for the food, shelter, clothing, security and medical expenses of a prisoner with a life sentence than we are paying in the currency of morality and ethics by executing him. After all, with the government printing money as quickly as Sarah Palin goes through her morning papers, wouldn’t we rather be out the known cost of inflated dollars as opposed to the unknown cost of karmic debt, sin and agonizing verklempt? 

Colorado Man Arrested For Hunting Osama bin Laden in Pakistan - Seriously? 

Where to start.

First off, why arrest the guy? What harm could he possibly be doing? Isn’t he simply trying to hunt down and kill a man who, according to both George W. Bush and Barack Obama, is a man our country is actively trying to “hunt down and kill?” Isn’t that like arresting a man for trying to reduce the national debt? 

Next up, when the U.S. Government put a $25 million dollar reward out for the head of Osama bin Laden, didn’t they expect one or two people to go after him? With the unemployment rate hovering around 10% and Congress refusing to extend unemployment benefits, I’m a bit surprised some bright entrepreneur hasn’t set up daily charter flights to Pakistan complete with complimentary peanuts, AK-47 assault rifles and relief maps of Chitral.

Finally, what kind of a world is it where one man is arrested for not killing a single person while another man remains free after being responsible for the death of thousands of people and openly proclaiming his desire to kill hundreds of thousands more? That’s the kind of logic that keeps Wall Street executives vacationing in The Hamptons while the rest of America struggles to pay for their mistakes of greed.  

Teen Sailor Rescued At Sea - At Least She Wasn’t A Drunken Sailor

16 year old Abby Sunderland’s quest to sail solo around the world was cut short when she was rescued from her damaged boat in the Indian Ocean.

Is it safe for a teenager to sail the world solo? No. Should her parents have allowed her to make the trip? Yes. Should the family be asked to pay for the rescue? Yes. Should the Australian Government pay for the rescue? Yes. Yes and No to all of the above. 

The truth is, there are no easy answers here. There are a lot of opinions about all of the issues involved, but the bottom line is everyone’s right and so no one’s wrong. They’re all opinions. And at the end of the day, it’s no one’s business but the people involved. But, just to defend young Abby for a moment, I would note that Alexander the Great founded his first colony at age 16, then went on to conquer the world. Mary Shelly was 19 when she wrote Frankenstein. King Tut became a pharaoh when he was 9. Joan of Arc was 17 when she took over supreme command of the French Army. Then again, she was burned at the stake at 19, so maybe she’s not the best role model for Abby. 

But, even still, I say leave Abby alone. She’s a much better role model for teens than Pope John XII who began his papacy at age 19 but was subsequently murdered by the jealous husband of the woman he was having an affair with. 

Should The Vuvuzela Be Banned From The World Cup?

Sure. Right after beer, fight songs and Brazilian drums. After all, what’s a sporting event if you can’t enjoy it in pristine silence? And, hey, how about this. You want to cut out the extraneous noise? Figure out a way to increase the score of the games. I’ve never been to a professional soccer game, but I can tell you that if I was sitting through 90 minutes of a low or no score game, I’d be looking for any possible way to pass the time as well. You know what you hear at American football games? Cheering. That’s because the crowd has something to cheer about. It’s called scoring. People seem to like it. 

Quick Answer To The Question Of Our Time

Did Yoko Ono break up The Beatles? No. Creative differences between groundbreaking geniuses broke up the band. Yoko just happened to be the face everyone focused on. Just like Lance Armstrong just happened to be the face everyone focused on when steroids won seven Tours de France.